Trying to fit into my old pants was a huge regret. I had an issue and although relapsing is apart of recovery, even though I’ve been doing well it triggered me a bit. I’ve come to realize I was on the verge when I was 74 lbs and found myself lying to people about my weight saying I was 100lbs and Okay and passing out having my own father needing to check my pulse to make sure I was breathing. Nothing really mattered. Now that I’ve been getting healthy I can’t deny that needing to get used to not being as thin hurts a bit.
I’m still trying to fight depression. It’s hard to understand but it was just like one day I woke up, and it felt like I wasn’t myself. I had no interest in anything and just wanted to be left alone. For awhile I used the excuse that I needed time. When it came down to it I realized that I felt like I was just dealing with the cards I’ve been dealt when in fact I was just being self-sacrificing, alienating myself from the people I held dear because of the heavy burden of feeling entitled to have a strong and happy outer shell when in fact it was just adding to the inner issue itself.
I still really need to recover because even though I finally have that desire to be the happy cheerful self I was, it’s still honestly scares me to death. I’m at the point where I’m not sure if it’s better to hit the reset button and rebuild or do long adue damage control and try to connect to the people I felt I couldn’t go a day without in my insane life.
I still feel like I really need to cope with things in a better way. Maybe I’ll check into schools and find a way to build myself up and make that an outlet for my frustrations.
You know, I thought it would be easier to cope just by severing all ties. But day to day I just want to scream and cry. Ultimately I’ve come to find myself going into the bathroom and running the water just to sit with my back towards the door on the floor crying.
People look at me in such a bad light but in reality, I can’t comfort anyone if I can’t even do the same to myself. I just end up worse.
Sorry America, Canada doesn’t want Bieber back therefore keep him for gods sake.
Bring Rob ford with him too prz, LOL
Today I woke up in a pile of blood because a wound reopened. If you want me to be honest, I’ll be honest. At this moment I’m barely 80lbs. I don’t see myself lasting another year.
I pushed everyone away and lost the desire to open up or become close to people. Things that trigger me go unnoticed to other people how they affect me. I built up walls to protect the people I care about along with myself yet I’ve built those walls in such a way I can’t even break them down.
For the past year I’ve been going through a lot and while learning to deal with the cards I’ve been dealt I didn’t know any other way to cope other than shut down entirely and allow that sense of hope to scatter.
I’m living each day as if it’s a punishment. I’ve accepted the fact I have no easy way out. Occasionally I just feel empty, other times I feel as if my head is dunked underneath a pool of water with no oxygen.
I would do anything to turn back time. But, each day is more and more suffocating and it’s getting difficult to even connect with people anymore because of an overwhelming sense of fear.